Cult of virginity in Kazakhstan

 

Had a discussion with my friend today, she was talking about her boyfriend’s psychology. He told her that guys prefer to wed younger girls because they are less “damaged” and have fewer life experiences. I was annoyed by this. What does it mean less damaged girl? What does mean “take for marriage?” Am I just an object, like food? Why do guys view girls as something they can own or pick?

“Husband killed his with after wedding when he found out that she’s not a virgin”, “Husband kicked out wife when he found out she wasn’t a virgin” that’s something I see in Kazakh news pretty often. Why is it even happening? – I think to myself. Isn’t Kazakhstan a modern country? We had EXPO fair, we have skyscrapers, we have modern technologies, we have everything a person needs in the 21st century…but we also have a deep and underlying conservative mentality.

I remember having a conversation with random girl I met on my friend’s birthday party. Are you virgin? Asks me the girl. I’m telling her that this question doesn’t make any sense. However, this answer wasn’t enough for her, because she’s started telling her pointless crap: “I’ll get married being virgin, I’ll be clear for my husband, that’s how Kazakh girls must be, I won’t disgrace my family…” Oh. This sounds sad. “Do Kazakh girls have lawbook regarding how to live.? Will her husband also be a virgin.?” What’s the benefit of being a virgin? Ramblings started to appear in my mind. I answered her: “You swallow ‘indisputable’ facts, such as the notion of ‘honor and purity’ without question, and therefore without analyzing”. Also, you will never feel the taste of this beautiful and diverse life. You are compelled to swallow these «facts» by force. The world goes beyond the boundaries of your notion of «good» and «bad.» Girls are not divided into «whores» and «dignified». Everything is much broader and more versatile, and if you do not destroy your boundaries (or rather not yours, but those that are socially imposed), you will live your life in closed, dark and depressing circumstances. There hasn’t been any such law in KZ constitution that you must remain a virgin for some time.

She stared at me. Maybe she didn’t understand the meaning of my words. Then she told that there’s something wrong with me, and I’ll regret it. However, I never learned what it is I will regret because she moved away somewhere, to talk with someone else. I felt sorry for her after our conversation and I think she felt sorry for me. Who was right?

By the way did you know that one of the most popular surgery in Kazakhstan is the restoration of virginity?

Thanks for reading

Fiona Edwards

1 am

Almaty, Kazakhstan

Do you have a dream?

“Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.” – Ben Franklin

My social circle becomes smaller. There are too many people without goals or any passion. “I don’t read books” that embassy guy tells me”, I don’t really know what to study at university” a female friend from a wealthy background notes to me.

People are boring, not all of them, but a lot of those with who I used to keep in touch.

I don’t have much to write about. “NY I love you” by LCD Soundsystem is playing softly in the background. I haven’t had any reason to write in a while. I’m in this weird, blurry, content state of indifference. Stable. A down-to-earth, “dumb” state of ‘happiness’. Religion posts was awesome, but now I feel like not have any cool ideas. I don’t really have anything to complain about. Passion? I’m not passionate anymore. What’s fucked up is that I don’t care that I don’t care that I’m not passionate anymore. Or maybe am I just lazy?

You know what? Kazakh guys are boring. Ask them what’s your dream? You’ll get an answer “good job, high ranking civil service post, gucci suit, Maserati”. Is this all you’ve ever wanted? Typical model for happiness. I feel sorry for such people but maybe it is real big dream, is it something worthy to dream about? I recognize these tendencies in myself sometimes and that frustrates me.

I’ll continue write this blog. I’ll keep dancing, then I’ll do bachelor degree. I’ll get married around 30. Have a couple of kids. Die around 70-80 years old. and That’s it. I just wanna be normal or maybe I wanna be normal today? Fuck perfection. Fuck ‘greatness’, I’m over it.

Also, I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and have a completely new, opposite paradigm.

Thanks for reading

Fiona Edwards

1 am

Almaty, KZ

 

Why I left Mormonism and other religious ramblings

Leaving religion can be hard when your family are very much a part of it. I feel lucky that my parents are not deeply into religious stuff, so it was easier for me to leave than for other people. My opinion about the subject is clear: if you don’t like going to church then don’t go to church. If it doesn’t bring many benefits in your life, just move forward.

I’m pretty sure that I would have been more miserable if I stayed in the church. I read these books like the bible, the book of Mormon, Buddhist texts, Judaism for dummies and started realizing that just organized religion is voluntary, you don’t have to be diehard about it. And if there’s God I don’t want him to require me to have faith in him where when I get to the end and I die and he’s like: oh you didn’t accept Jesus and you didn’t have faith with me so you’re gonna go to hell. I don’t want that to be my God anyway, I don’t want to fear God.

Another issue is that there are too many limitations and rules that you need to follow, because if you don’t, it means that you’re not really into religion and everyone in church will be very judgmental. I think church rules became too old for today’s world. For example, abortion laws that make premature termination a sin on the part of the mother. Oh, come on it’s not even a baby, it’s clot of cells, and anyway it’s her own body and she can do whatever she wants with it, only the girl has the decision, not the bishop or whoever has power in church. In addition, sex out of wedlock and masturbation are viewed as sins, which is total crap because it’s a physical need of everyone person, as much as food.

Also, I don’t like position of girl in the church life. Why can only men be bishops or priests? Why can’t women have the same roles? That’s discriminating. I want to live in the world of equal opportunities, and church doesn’t provide that.

I left church because it’s not opened for LGBT and Mormons were racists well before I joined with a history of membership being only open to those of a “white race”.

The last reason is that I’ve never felt a true connection. Church was something new, interesting and entertaining for me, but I’ve never felt like these other modest church girls. I felt differently, I wasn’t agreeing with what the church leaders said – so the best option was just to quit.

I don’t regret that now, maybe I miss some people but not the rules or church life.

Thanks for reading

Fiona Edwards

1o pm

Kazakhstan, Almaty

My search for perfect religion and faith

To begin with, I was born to a not so religious family. My parents are Eastern orthodoxies, but they never felt strongly religious. So, I was baptized within the Eastern Orthodox Church. To be honest, I have never liked it there, it was very uncomfortable inside and there was a very unpleasant smell which made things even worse.

Things started to change when I was 15 and started to date with an eastern orthodox guy who was heavily involved in the church. I started to attend it every Sunday and after the service at church, I visited youth meetings with a bishop, which could last two hours or sometimes even longer. I really felt that spirit at that time and genuinely liked being part of the church. However, as time passed, eastern orthodoxy became boring for me, it seemed too old fashioned and I mentioned that other Christian confessions were seemingly scared of Eastern orthodoxies.

Next thing I tried was Judaism. I thought it would be great idea to try it, because I have some Jewish roots. Unfortunately, being Jewish turned out too hard because of stringent rules both in and outside the synagogue, and orthodox Jews are tough, very judgmental and make you feel very uncomfortable and miserable. Jewish people were only welcoming to those born Jewish, which made sense to me. Jews were persecuted all their lives and now they welcome only their people.

Then things started to develop differently. As a little background: once I was in the metro and saw some adorable guys in suits, black tie and white shirt stuff haha, they looked good and seemed polite, so I decided to talk to them. I’m an impulsive person, so it’s easy for me to just start talking with random people. So, I started to talk they seemed opened and awesome, funny guys, not any word about religion and LDS.  So, we spent like an hour walking in the park talking but then it was time to go, we were about to say bye and then they gave me that card with address, and told that it would be nice to meet in their church next time. So, that’s how everything started, my acquaintance with mormonism.

That was my story, the point is that I wanted to find perfect religion for myself. However, verity (not sure what you mean, virtuosity or truth) wasn’t hidden – perfect religion for me was not to have any. Religion brought only limitations and inconvenience to my life, I’ve got stress because now it seems that all I’ve done in my life was wrong and bad. It was also hard and embarrassing to meet with priests, bishops, talk with adult men about my “sins”, and confess and be made to regret supposed sins in front of them.

REMEMBER that any kind of organized religion is voluntary. If it just does not fit for you, do research and quit because you shouldn’t spend your life in the church where you are unhappy.

(WHY I LEFT all religious ramblings — NEXT POST)

Thanks for reading

Fiona Edwards

8 53 Pm

Almaty, Kazakhstan