Everything in my life happens randomly! I never scold myself for something what I’ve done accidentally. My accidents knew better than me how and when to happen. I never control my impulses, if I want — I do.
Had a nice day today. Didn’t go to classes cause they’re boring , however met one person and we had so many interesting things to talk about. I enjoy such deep conversations. I wasn’t planning the meeting, it happened very randomly. All random things, people which happen in my life are usually picturesque. I feel lucky, it’s like something holding my hand and pointing where to go, and I always end up in something interesting and I’m happy about it.
Maybe I should change such lifestyle? Can people change? It’s kind of a mystery. Sometimes I get in these moods and get all amped to do nothing wrong, be all healthy, think long-term, logical. Make rational, boring decisions on the road to SUCCESS! Then the next day I’m back to my normal ‘Fun World’ paradigm. Do we strive to be better? Or do we just enjoy the ride and go with the flow? Can there be a balance?
Tell me this. If one guy lives his life eating bagels and cream cheese with coffee and cream every morning and he’s happy BUT he has a dad bod and dies of a heart attack at 60, and there’s another guy who eats healthy but he’s a little less happy because he can’t eat bagels and people also automatically assume he’s a douche because of his six-pack and he dies at say 80 (wow nice 20 more years of being old!) Which is better? I think about this stuff.
12 20 am
In 1967, John Lennon wrote the song «All you need is love.» He also beat both his wives, left one of his children, continuously insulted his gay Jewish manager with both homophobic and antiemetic language and once upon a time spend an entire day laid completely naked on the floor.
Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from the band Nine Inch Nails wrote the song «Love is not enough.» Reznor, despite his famous for shocking performances on the stage and grotesque anxious clips, got rid of drug and alcohol addiction, married one woman, had two children with her, and then canceled the subsequent studio and tour activities to stay at home and become a good husband and father.
One of these men has a pure and realistic understanding of love. The other does not. One of them idealizes love, seeing in it the solution of all problems. Other one doesn’t. One of them, probably, was a narcissistic jerk. The second was not.
In our culture, many people idealize love. We see in it as sublime panacea for all life’s problems. Our films and stories in books make it out to be the ultimate goal of life, the final deliverance from the whole painful struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, we have to pay for this relationship.
When we believe that «all we need is love,» like Lennon, we tend to ignore the fundamental values: respect, humility and commitment to the people we care about. In the end, if love decides everything, why should I bother myself with other things — complicated things? The fundamentals on which love is actually based.
But if, like Reznor, we believe that «love is not enough,» we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotions or high passions. We understand that there are things more important in our life and in our relationships than just being in love. And the success of our relations depends on deeper and more important values.
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There’s this thing, like a pebble in my shoe, a thorn in the brain so to speak, that’s always pestering me, always telling me to write.As cheesy as that sounds, here I am. I’m so happy for the 20-30 of you that read this blog. That’s flattering.
I was overthinking my life these days. As always haha. I’ve been losing my precious time on pointless people and things. I’ll give some examples. I kept in touch with one guy. He could always meet up only at that time when I had rehearsals. So, what did I? Skipped dance classes, in order to see and spend time with that guy. What’s the conclusion? I haven’t grown professionally in dancing. That’s sad. So, what about the guy? I don’t even know where he’s now. Yet another example is that I was admitted to participate in Technovation tournament, where you need to have coding and programming skills. I was thinking about it, because it’s worldwide famous championship blah blah. However, I ended up at right decision.
Here’s my advice. Always ask yourself: «Do you need it?» So, I asked myself. Do I want to do programming in future, is it my niche, do I really want to do it? Both answers were no. The correct answer is: I can spend this time on something more important to me such as college, practicing dance, studying German.
The question «Do I need it?» Work with people as well. Every time you wonder if you want to date that girl/guy or not, do you have future with this person, feelings? The answer here is very clear. Yes or No. There are no other options.
Life can be black and white. You can be only hot or cold, you can date or not date, you can do it or not. Learn to define what’s important for you, what do YOU want. Once you’ve found answers to these questions — set priorities. And then begin to live the life you actually want.
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The longer you go without working out, the less tone you get, the more weight you gain, the less likely you’ll start working out again.
The longer you go without studying or reading, the more anxious you get about it, the less likely you’ll start read or study. Same dilemma.
Then suddenly, out of chance, you get home one day in all your automation, and you happen to eat more than one or two cookies, not realizing it would put you in a deep 6-hour sugar crash.
You wake up on the couch. The TV’s on. It’s 5am. You turn the TV off and you sit there. You feel a little groggy, but something’s different. You care. Sandwiches? No. Today let’s try eggs and veggies. No bread, No sugar. Let’s write down some goals. Let’s do some crunches. Take a shower. Clean up the apartment. Why now? Who knows. It’s just the motion of the universe I guess. Over-analyzing it won’t get you anywhere either. That kind of thinking will put you back down the rabbit hole. Today, you care.
Maybe I’ll stick with it this time. Boiled eggs, black beans, peas & carrots, green tea. 60 crunches. Don’t skip any dance rehearsals. Jump rope until I’m sweating. Hop in the shower. Sit down on a chair and wait. Wait until it comes. Then do studying and write.
Saturday’s will be cheat day, because “Shabbat”. It’s Jewish day off. Or maybe Tuesday? A lot of things are cheaper on Tuesdays, the movies? Tuesday’s will be filled with Soda, Candies, Mcdonald’s, and all the other poisonous things you can think of. Complete freedom and debauchery.
Then back to structure. Discipline. Self-control. Self-awareness.
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Had a discussion with my friend today, she was talking about her boyfriend’s psychology. He told her that guys prefer to wed younger girls because they are less “damaged” and have fewer life experiences. I was annoyed by this. What does it mean less damaged girl? What does mean “take for marriage?” Am I just an object, like food? Why do guys view girls as something they can own or pick?
“Husband killed his with after wedding when he found out that she’s not a virgin”, “Husband kicked out wife when he found out she wasn’t a virgin” that’s something I see in Kazakh news pretty often. Why is it even happening? – I think to myself. Isn’t Kazakhstan a modern country? We had EXPO fair, we have skyscrapers, we have modern technologies, we have everything a person needs in the 21st century…but we also have a deep and underlying conservative mentality.
I remember having a conversation with random girl I met on my friend’s birthday party. Are you virgin? Asks me the girl. I’m telling her that this question doesn’t make any sense. However, this answer wasn’t enough for her, because she’s started telling her pointless crap: “I’ll get married being virgin, I’ll be clear for my husband, that’s how Kazakh girls must be, I won’t disgrace my family…” Oh. This sounds sad. “Do Kazakh girls have lawbook regarding how to live.? Will her husband also be a virgin.?” What’s the benefit of being a virgin? Ramblings started to appear in my mind. I answered her: “You swallow ‘indisputable’ facts, such as the notion of ‘honor and purity’ without question, and therefore without analyzing”. Also, you will never feel the taste of this beautiful and diverse life. You are compelled to swallow these «facts» by force. The world goes beyond the boundaries of your notion of «good» and «bad.» Girls are not divided into «whores» and «dignified». Everything is much broader and more versatile, and if you do not destroy your boundaries (or rather not yours, but those that are socially imposed), you will live your life in closed, dark and depressing circumstances. There hasn’t been any such law in KZ constitution that you must remain a virgin for some time.
She stared at me. Maybe she didn’t understand the meaning of my words. Then she told that there’s something wrong with me, and I’ll regret it. However, I never learned what it is I will regret because she moved away somewhere, to talk with someone else. I felt sorry for her after our conversation and I think she felt sorry for me. Who was right?
By the way did you know that one of the most popular surgery in Kazakhstan is the restoration of virginity?
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“Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.” – Ben Franklin
My social circle becomes smaller. There are too many people without goals or any passion. “I don’t read books” that embassy guy tells me”, I don’t really know what to study at university” a female friend from a wealthy background notes to me.
People are boring, not all of them, but a lot of those with who I used to keep in touch.
I don’t have much to write about. “NY I love you” by LCD Soundsystem is playing softly in the background. I haven’t had any reason to write in a while. I’m in this weird, blurry, content state of indifference. Stable. A down-to-earth, “dumb” state of ‘happiness’. Religion posts was awesome, but now I feel like not have any cool ideas. I don’t really have anything to complain about. Passion? I’m not passionate anymore. What’s fucked up is that I don’t care that I don’t care that I’m not passionate anymore. Or maybe am I just lazy?
You know what? Kazakh guys are boring. Ask them what’s your dream? You’ll get an answer “good job, high ranking civil service post, gucci suit, Maserati”. Is this all you’ve ever wanted? Typical model for happiness. I feel sorry for such people but maybe it is real big dream, is it something worthy to dream about? I recognize these tendencies in myself sometimes and that frustrates me.
I’ll continue write this blog. I’ll keep dancing, then I’ll do bachelor degree. I’ll get married around 30. Have a couple of kids. Die around 70-80 years old. and That’s it. I just wanna be normal or maybe I wanna be normal today? Fuck perfection. Fuck ‘greatness’, I’m over it.
Also, I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and have a completely new, opposite paradigm.
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