Accidents aren’t accidental

Everything in my life happens randomly! I never scold myself for something what I’ve done accidentally. My accidents knew better than me how and when to happen. I never control my impulses, if I want — I do.

Had a nice day today. Didn’t go to classes cause they’re boring , however met one person and we had so many interesting things to talk about. I enjoy such deep conversations. I wasn’t planning the meeting, it happened very randomly. All random things, people  which happen in my life are usually picturesque. I feel lucky, it’s like something holding my hand and pointing where to go, and I always end up in something interesting and I’m happy about it.

Maybe I should change such lifestyle? Can people change? It’s kind of a mystery. Sometimes I get in these moods and get all amped to do nothing wrong, be all healthy, think long-term, logical. Make rational, boring decisions on the road to SUCCESS! Then the next day I’m back to my normal ‘Fun World’ paradigm. Do we strive to be better? Or do we just enjoy the ride and go with the flow? Can there be a balance?

 

Tell me this. If one guy lives his life eating bagels and cream cheese with coffee and cream every morning and he’s happy BUT he has a dad bod and dies of a heart attack at 60, and there’s another guy who eats healthy but he’s a little less happy because he can’t eat bagels and people also automatically assume he’s a douche because of his six-pack and he dies at say 80 (wow nice 20 more years of being old!) Which is better? I think about this stuff.

12 20 am

Almaty, Kazakhstan

Fiona

Do you have a dream?

“Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.” – Ben Franklin

My social circle becomes smaller. There are too many people without goals or any passion. “I don’t read books” that embassy guy tells me”, I don’t really know what to study at university” a female friend from a wealthy background notes to me.

People are boring, not all of them, but a lot of those with who I used to keep in touch.

I don’t have much to write about. “NY I love you” by LCD Soundsystem is playing softly in the background. I haven’t had any reason to write in a while. I’m in this weird, blurry, content state of indifference. Stable. A down-to-earth, “dumb” state of ‘happiness’. Religion posts was awesome, but now I feel like not have any cool ideas. I don’t really have anything to complain about. Passion? I’m not passionate anymore. What’s fucked up is that I don’t care that I don’t care that I’m not passionate anymore. Or maybe am I just lazy?

You know what? Kazakh guys are boring. Ask them what’s your dream? You’ll get an answer “good job, high ranking civil service post, gucci suit, Maserati”. Is this all you’ve ever wanted? Typical model for happiness. I feel sorry for such people but maybe it is real big dream, is it something worthy to dream about? I recognize these tendencies in myself sometimes and that frustrates me.

I’ll continue write this blog. I’ll keep dancing, then I’ll do bachelor degree. I’ll get married around 30. Have a couple of kids. Die around 70-80 years old. and That’s it. I just wanna be normal or maybe I wanna be normal today? Fuck perfection. Fuck ‘greatness’, I’m over it.

Also, I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and have a completely new, opposite paradigm.

Thanks for reading

Fiona Edwards

1 am

Almaty, KZ