Leave past, live now

In 30 minutes will be 13th November and it means that it’ll be my 13th day in Tel Aviv , Israel. I’m really in love with Tel Aviv. This city is always busy and alive. It reminds me Berlin and I really love Berlin. Berlin is just more Budget Version haha. I love the vibe of Tel Aviv, it’s the city where I’d really love to live. And I can tell you that I’ve done some traveling before and no matter where I was, I missed my home and city , wanted to go back.. here I don’t want to fly back to my city.

So, recently I was thinking about past. And especially about past relationships. I finally let everything go. I don’t need any reminders of them and especially any hopes. I had hopes even after 4 years! How dumb it’s. I had not one relationships and of course I learned something from them, but I don’t want to remember about these people.

Speaking of relationships, I’m so young and I already had so many dramas and useless people that sometimes I feel older. I don’t regret about it , it’s my life and experience. But I learned some good things , maybe in other posts I’ll share it..

I met one guy last week. We go out , but it’s his last week in Tel Aviv. It’s kinda sad cause he’s interesting person and I don’t have any other friends here. Of course i can make new friends but here everything depends from luck. You can meet 20 people and with no one you’ll «match» . You never know..

Do you know how I met that guy? For me tinder and Couchsurfing don’t work here. I use old fashioned ways. I just told «Hi» to him in the street. You see, such way sometimes works.

And one more thing. I enjoy this moment while Im writing this post. I enjoy every moment of my life, I’m alive now. I’m grateful for everything. I love my family and what I do for living.

Goodnight.

Thanks for reading

11:50 Pm

10 mins to 13 November ,2018

Tel Aviv, Israel

Life update | Israel

It’s been a week since I’m in Israel. I remember long time ago, when it was my dream to go to Israel and to live there for a while. However, not the most pleasant news brought me here, which I want to keep in private.

Tel Aviv is amazing city and I like being here. People are so friendly, cafes and bars are very good both service and food/drinks. What I enjoy here is working out outdoors and running at beachfront. Maybe next post will be comparison between Tel Aviv and Almaty.

My trip here is very random. I can’t tell if it’s good, because in Almaty I had a lot of projects which I miss now. In November I planned at least 3 performances (who don’t remember, I’m dancer). I had role in performance with my dance group, but I won’t be able to do it, so received message that they found amazingly talented and perfect girl instead of me for this role aren’t the most cheering news.. Also planned two solos which were already ready for stage and now I get out of dance shape. Well, I at least do workout and ballet class with ballet music in my AirPods in outdoor workout park where everyone stares at me like I’m weirdo lol.

Now some more personal observations about Israel: 1. Public transport works amazing 2. Jewish guys are very different from European and central Asian guys with their behavior. I guess I can tell bigger overview about them later , when I’ll get more experience haha.

Anyway, I don’t know when I’m back.

Very soon, I promise .

Yulia

Israel, Tel Aviv

9:45 pm

Irrational feeling which brings courage in my life

I never liked to write about love. Because it’s probably the only feeling which cannot be described, be put in any category and succumb to any logic rule. Love is hard. Really very hard. This is burden of responsibility, forever FEAR to lose you loved one, permanent anxiety not to correspond to persons demands.

Whoever you love — man, woman, mother, kid, this fear to become attached too much to this, so that in future it won’t be so painful to untie this invisible «threads», when it’s all over.

Love scares me because it’s so irrational and inconsistent. This is what unique in love is — there are no laws. It just exists. Or doesn’t. You can’t control it. Human can’t control anything. For example we can’t control our dreams. And if we can’t control ourselves. how can person control feelings for someone?

Love is also sad. No your love object near you — that’s all every minute is unhappy. And what is it all for? Why? No logic! But then in future, to know that this someone still remembers your perfume smell, that they have a smile on his face when they hear your name.

Love is glimpse of light in series of pain. Same as pauses between contractions. You’ll walk and love. Until you die.

Love is not enough

In 1967, John Lennon wrote the song «All you need is love.» He also beat both his wives, left one of his children, continuously insulted his gay Jewish manager with both homophobic and antiemetic language and once upon a time spend an entire day laid completely naked on the floor.

Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from the band Nine Inch Nails wrote the song «Love is not enough.» Reznor, despite his famous for shocking performances on the stage and grotesque anxious clips, got rid of drug and alcohol addiction, married one woman, had two children with her, and then canceled the subsequent studio and tour activities to stay at home and become a good husband and father.

One of these men has a pure and realistic understanding of love. The other does not. One of them idealizes love, seeing in it the solution of all problems. Other one doesn’t. One of them, probably, was a narcissistic jerk. The second was not.

In our culture, many people idealize love. We see in it as sublime panacea for all life’s problems. Our films and stories in books make it out to be the ultimate goal of life, the final deliverance from the whole painful struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, we have to pay for this relationship.

When we believe that «all we need is love,» like Lennon, we tend to ignore the fundamental values: respect, humility and commitment to the people we care about. In the end, if love decides everything, why should I bother myself with other things — complicated things? The fundamentals on which love is actually based.

But if, like Reznor, we believe that «love is not enough,» we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotions or high passions. We understand that there are things more important in our life and in our relationships than just being in love. And the success of our relations depends on deeper and more important values.

Thanks for reading

Set Priorities

There’s this thing, like a pebble in my shoe, a thorn in the brain so to speak, that’s always pestering me, always telling me to write.As cheesy as that sounds, here I am. I’m so happy for the 20-30 of you that read this blog. That’s flattering.

I was overthinking my life these days. As always haha. I’ve been losing my precious time on pointless people and things. I’ll give some examples. I kept in touch with one guy. He could always meet up only at that time when I had rehearsals. So, what did I? Skipped dance classes, in order to see and spend time with that guy. What’s the conclusion? I haven’t grown professionally in dancing. That’s sad. So, what about the guy? I don’t even know where he’s now. Yet another example is that I was admitted to participate in Technovation tournament, where you need to have coding and programming skills. I was thinking about it, because it’s worldwide famous championship blah blah. However, I ended up at right decision.

Here’s my advice. Always ask yourself: «Do you need it?» So, I asked myself. Do I want to do programming in future, is it my niche, do I really want to do it? Both answers were no. The correct answer is: I can spend this time on something more important to me such as college, practicing dance, studying German.

The question «Do I need it?» Work with people as well. Every time you wonder if you want to date that girl/guy or not, do you have future with this person, feelings? The answer here is very clear. Yes or No. There are no other options.

Life can be black and white. You can be only hot or cold, you can date or not date, you can do it or not. Learn to define what’s important for you, what do YOU want. Once you’ve found answers to these questions — set priorities. And then begin to live the life you actually want.

Thanks for reading

Fiona Edwards

Almaty, KZ
2am